Holiday Blues Already?

I was extremely down this morning. And I've felt that way most of the day today...I can't shake it. So, if you don't want to be depressed by me, it'd be best to stop reading right now. :) Just kidding, I'm not going to have a pity party here. I've been thinking a lot about it, being (apparently) mature enough at this point in my life to actually realize this...but I did. I've despised the holidays for as long as I can remember. I love cold weather, so it can't be the whole "Oh my goodness, it's winter" thing.
I have one theory, and one theory only, for why I feel this way against the holidays, who did absolutely nothing to deserve this hatred. My parents got divorced when I was 6 years old, and they worked out a holiday schedule for my brother and I that made sense, but I really wasn't a big fan of. I don't know how else it could've been done, but I didn't like the holidays. Each year, we'd be with one parent for each major holiday (Thanksgiving and Christmas). For instance, one year we'd be with our mom for Thanksgiving and our dad for Christmas, then the next year it'd be switched (dad for Thanksgiving, mom for Christmas). There's enough adjustment time (almost a month) in betweent the two holidays, I guess, but I really just didn't like it. I think I always felt like I was being juggled around, and the only person I could hang onto was Travis, simply because he was being juggled, too. I think that adds to the reasons he and I are close. With our mom, it wasn't too bad, our grandparents visited sometimes (they have five kids, so they switched off between which kids' families they visited each year), but other than that it was mainly just us. Which I liked...that's how it was for the rest of the year (except every other weekend with our dad), so it was "normalcy" to me. When we went with our dad, though, it was like from the time we got there until the time we left, I had no idea what was going on. Since we didn't see them for the entire year, of course we had to make time to visit with everyone. Easy enough, right? My dad comes from a family of seven children. If we're only there a week or two, that makes for some very hectic days. We did get time to relax, but even then, without the comforts of home, I always felt extremely out-of-place and uptight. I'm a control freak (as anyone who knows me can tell), and a perfectionist...I like to have everything planned out, and know exactly what I'm going to be doing when. While we were there, I often didn't even know whose house I'd be staying at each night until the preceding afternoon/evening...so my sense of structure was a bit messy. I loved seeing all my relatives, but I really hated the feeling of having no control over it all.

Now that I'm with Russell, I'm trying to re-train myself on thoughts about the holidays. We spent last Thanksgiving and Christmas with his family, and I really enjoyed it. So, looking forward to this year's holiday season, I'm trying to have a positive attitude (we'll probably hit both families for Thanksgiving-mine and his-and I'm not sure about Christmas yet). But I think, with my grandpa and the house and all, I'm just feeling that old fear of losing control of things, which I really don't want right now...can we put the holidays on hold 'til I get the other high-stress stuff taken care of? Hopefully this feeling will pass and I'll be perfectly fine. Who knows...I could enjoy it!

Anyways. I'm off work, so must wait until tomorrow for any other ramblings!